Monday, May 10, 2010

Hurt and Feeling Alone

I got an e-mail from the woman that was going to be my doula this Saturday. I didn't hop onto the computer until this morning. She informed me that she has decided not to take on a second client her first month back after her child will be a few months old. She typically only takes 3 clients a month. She was going to take 2 her first month back in September. Her and her husband think it would be better for her to take one, as of this weekend.

I am CRUSHED! It seems like I have to take one big hit to my birthing plans each month. I have until September. I don't think I can take any more hits like this. I feel like everything is falling apart and like I am out of control.

She offered to send me a list of doulas. I have already looked into everyone in the area. I told her to send me the list just in case. She was the only one I liked from the list. I am thinking that a doula is not going to happen for us this birth. I don't have the desire to look for another one right now. I just can't handle another rejection right now. Even though the longer I wait, the more likely there will not be any opening. I am 22 weeks along. What good doula isn't going to be filled right now anyway? That is the way I feel right now.

I also feel like I paid for the natural child birth class I am in was for nothing. I have read the books. I know the information. I was only there to get to know her better so that I would feel better about her being my doula. There are still 2 classes left. I can't bring myself to go to them. I just can't do that to myself or my son. He cried every night I went to class. I can't take that for nothing.

My plan now is to make my husband be my birth coach. He has less than 20 weeks to be HELPFUL ;) on the day I give birth. He said he would learn whatever I wanted him to. I haven't talked to him on the phone yet. I know as soon as I say the words and hear them that I will cry. I almost went home sick so I could have a nice cry. That is how hurt I feel by this.

I didn't really say much to the woman that was going to be my doula. I don't want her to feel bad about doing what she thinks is best for her family. I just wish I had known about this back in March.

1 comment:

Amber said...

(((hugs)))

That is really unprofessional of her to back out like that! I wish I could fly in to be your doula.

Have you looked into doulas who are in the process of certifying? I really think you should. You could definitely find someone you connect with. And having that extra set of hands will not go astray!

You have lots of time left yet lady. Don't give up!!!