Why?

I just don't get it. I can get him to nurse once and a while. So I know he knows how. So why on earth will he not do it every time I try. I am so angry I could cry right now. And I hate myself because I am partly angry at him. It isn't his fault though. He doesn't understand what is going on. I don't understand why it doesn't work. Breastfeeding is supposed to be a natural thing! So then why the heck isn't it that way for me. Why do I have to be the one that struggles! I just feel so cheated and sad. I feel like I am going to fail. Which just makes me think back to all of my plans that fell through and makes me blame myself. If only I had done this or that! It just isn't fair.

The breastfeeding world of mine sucks right now. All the feeling I had when he first started to reject the breast in his first month of life are coming back to me. I feel like he is rejecting me. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like I am torturing him by trying to breastfeed him. I know none of those things are true, but it feels that way when it is happening.

It really seems like the more effort I put forward the harder he resists. So I keep taking breaks from trying. I think now is another one of those times I am going to have to step back for a few days until I can regroup. At the same time it makes me crazy to do that. It makes me feel like a quitter even though I know I am just taking a little break for my sake and Kenneth's.

I just want to be able to breastfeed my son like all the other mothers I know do. It hurts so much knowing that I might not have that day again. And I just can't stop crying right now. Why? I just can't type anymore right now...