Why?

I just don't get it. I can get him to nurse once and a while. So I know he knows how. So why on earth will he not do it every time I try. I am so angry I could cry right now. And I hate myself because I am partly angry at him. It isn't his fault though. He doesn't understand what is going on. I don't understand why it doesn't work. Breastfeeding is supposed to be a natural thing! So then why the heck isn't it that way for me. Why do I have to be the one that struggles! I just feel so cheated and sad. I feel like I am going to fail. Which just makes me think back to all of my plans that fell through and makes me blame myself. If only I had done this or that! It just isn't fair.

The breastfeeding world of mine sucks right now. All the feeling I had when he first started to reject the breast in his first month of life are coming back to me. I feel like he is rejecting me. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like I am torturing him by trying to breastfeed him. I know none of those things are true, but it feels that way when it is happening.

It really seems like the more effort I put forward the harder he resists. So I keep taking breaks from trying. I think now is another one of those times I am going to have to step back for a few days until I can regroup. At the same time it makes me crazy to do that. It makes me feel like a quitter even though I know I am just taking a little break for my sake and Kenneth's.

I just want to be able to breastfeed my son like all the other mothers I know do. It hurts so much knowing that I might not have that day again. And I just can't stop crying right now. Why? I just can't type anymore right now...

Help Dr. Jack Newman

It made me VERY sad when I saw the following on Dr. Jack Newman's website:

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

AS OF SEPTEMBER 30TH WE WILL NO LONGER BE RECEIVING ANY PRIVATE FUNDING.
(GOVERNMENT FUNDING CEASED IN 2005)

WE NEED IMMEDIATE DONATIONS TO KEEP OUR CLINIC OPEN.
WITHOUT FUNDING, THE NEWMAN BREASTFEEDING CLINIC & INSTITUTE AND THIS VALUABLE WEBSITE AND ALL OUR EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES WILL DISAPPEAR.
FOR A CHARITABLE TAX RECEIPT PLEASE SEND YOUR DONATION TO www.canadianbreastfeedingfoundation.org.
Please direct your donation to NEWMAN BREASTFEEDING CLINIC

Thank you for your support.

I hope you will take the time to help the man who has helped me and many others like me! Every person who I have told to contact him has had a fast reply. Please help him so that I can continue to refer other mothers in need to him. I don't want him to go away! If it were not for him I wouldn't have this blog. If it were not for him I wouldn't have a supply. If it were not for him I wouldn't be making the strides with my son that I have. Don't let it end with me. I want his clinic to stay around to help other mothers just like me. Sure I can pass on some of the information I have learned. It would just be so much better to get even more information from the expert. Without our help...he will not be able to help others.

I thank you for your consideration!

3 AM

Kenneth seems to do better in the VERY early morning hours! He woke up around 2:30 AM and wanted his bottle. After he was finished he was acting like he was still hungry. I was leaking at the time and in desperate need of being pumped or fed of off. So I gave him the breast. He of course bites away. So I put on the nipple shield and he goes to town.

My husband interrupts this process by deciding he finally wants to go to bed. So he comes up with both the chihuahuas and there is an ambush. Kenneth starts freaking out and that was the end of the nursing session. I figure he had to have gotten 2-3 ounces! This is the best progress we have made! I think he would have nursed longer with no distractions. I look at this as another step in the right direction! It is these wins that keep me going!

Please Don't Bite Me

Well, when I came home on Friday I was determined that Kenneth was going to breastfeed. So I gave him one 3.5 oz bottle of breast milk. Then we went into the bedroom and lay on the bed together. All my little stinker wanted to do was bite. Can we say OUCH! So I just kept squirting milk in his mouth. I would bing him to the breast nervously bring him to the breast every time he opened wide and hope I get him off before he bites. He got me good a few times. We did have some success! He WAS breastfeeding for a little while.

Now I just have to work on his bite. Why did he have to get them early??? If it were not for those sharp little suckers I wouldn't be so scared to try again! I would just hate for him to break the skin and put a boob on the old dusty trail!

It is all about baby steps. I still see Friday as a win...even with the bite marks!