I got an e-mail from the woman that was going to be my doula this Saturday. I didn't hop onto the computer until this morning. She informed me that she has decided not to take on a second client her first month back after her child will be a few months old. She typically only takes 3 clients a month. She was going to take 2 her first month back in September. Her and her husband think it would be better for her to take one, as of this weekend.
I am CRUSHED! It seems like I have to take one big hit to my birthing plans each month. I have until September. I don't think I can take any more hits like this. I feel like everything is falling apart and like I am out of control.
She offered to send me a list of doulas. I have already looked into everyone in the area. I told her to send me the list just in case. She was the only one I liked from the list. I am thinking that a doula is not going to happen for us this birth. I don't have the desire to look for another one right now. I just can't handle another rejection right now. Even though the longer I wait, the more likely there will not be any opening. I am 22 weeks along. What good doula isn't going to be filled right now anyway? That is the way I feel right now.
I also feel like I paid for the natural child birth class I am in was for nothing. I have read the books. I know the information. I was only there to get to know her better so that I would feel better about her being my doula. There are still 2 classes left. I can't bring myself to go to them. I just can't do that to myself or my son. He cried every night I went to class. I can't take that for nothing.
My plan now is to make my husband be my birth coach. He has less than 20 weeks to be HELPFUL ;) on the day I give birth. He said he would learn whatever I wanted him to. I haven't talked to him on the phone yet. I know as soon as I say the words and hear them that I will cry. I almost went home sick so I could have a nice cry. That is how hurt I feel by this.
I didn't really say much to the woman that was going to be my doula. I don't want her to feel bad about doing what she thinks is best for her family. I just wish I had known about this back in March.
