Motilium

I just made what I hope is my last order of Domperidone. My dosage had been all the way up to 4-10 mg tablets 4 times a day. I went up to that dosage slowly and weaned my way down slowly. I had been down to 5-10 tablets – 3 in the morning and 2 in the evening. Last week my supply plummeted when I got the stomach flu. So I am now back to 3-10 mg tablets 3 times a day. I fear that I am going to have to up the dosage even more.

Getting everything to be just right so that you have enough milk for your child is so hard. Most moms have no choice but to work. Most places of business are required by law to give nursing mothers a place to express milk. The place they give you is not always the greatest though. I started out in a dark room. YES, a place where they practice making copies of x-rays! How fun that was. After almost being exposed one too many times, I asked if they could find me another place to pump. My supervisor was wonderful! She was able to find me an unoccupied office to use. The door has been knocked on once. Other than that it has been smooth sailing.

Every day I struggle with pumping. I really hate it. I hate the whole process of cleaning and putting together all the parts. I really do not get why someone would choose to exclusively pump over breastfeeding. The only reason I continue is to make sure that my son gets the best possible start to life. I really wish that he would have gotten the hang of things so that I would only be pumping at work. There is always the next one!

My plan is to keep pumping until June 2009. That is when we plan to start trying to make Kenneth a little sister or brother. I have a feeling the only way I am going to start to ovulate again is by stopping the Motilium. Kenneth doesn’t seem to want anything to do with solids and a sippy cup. I really hope that changes before June. If it doesn’t, then we will push back trying to conceive again. I will stay a slave to my pump for as long as my son needs me to be.

In a little over 3 months I will have made it to the 1 year mark. I can’t believe how much time has gone by. I am so proud that I was able to get my supply back and not have to give him formula anymore. And with the way the economy is, formula is one less thing we have to worry about paying for. Now if we could only get day care to use cloth diapers…

This is sad to say...

I think I am going to have to give up on my dream to breastfeed Kenneth again. No matter what I try I am not able to get him to do anything but bite. I do not see this as the end of the road or as a failure. I was able to breastfeed him again and have the picture to prove it. I will keep that in my mind forever!

I have learned SO much and have been able to help others. My son and I have been able to bond in other ways. This was not all for nothing. I was able to get my full supply back. He has not needed formula in ages. He is happy and healthy!

I will continue to learn as much as I can. We plan to have at least one more child. So when baby #2 is born, I will keep down this road and learn from my mistakes. Things are going to be very different next time. In a way I am happy that this happened with Kenneth so that I did so much more research.

For the next one I will know the following:
~I can get help at home if I am not able to leave the house.
~No nipple shield unless my milk has come in AND nothing else is working.
~No finger feeding. I can supplement what I pump at the breast.
~SKIN-TO-SKIN all the time!
~Let the baby root and initiate the first feeding.
~Call the lactation consultant in as much as possible.
~Let the baby feed as often as he or she wants and for as long as he or she wants.
~Make sure the latch is correct.
~LLL meetings are a must.

I am sure I will come up with more to add. So this is not the end of the blog. I will continue to post little reminders for next time. When #2 does come around, the posts will pick up again. This is a road that will not end until our family is complete and the last one has self weaned!

Why?

I just don't get it. I can get him to nurse once and a while. So I know he knows how. So why on earth will he not do it every time I try. I am so angry I could cry right now. And I hate myself because I am partly angry at him. It isn't his fault though. He doesn't understand what is going on. I don't understand why it doesn't work. Breastfeeding is supposed to be a natural thing! So then why the heck isn't it that way for me. Why do I have to be the one that struggles! I just feel so cheated and sad. I feel like I am going to fail. Which just makes me think back to all of my plans that fell through and makes me blame myself. If only I had done this or that! It just isn't fair.

The breastfeeding world of mine sucks right now. All the feeling I had when he first started to reject the breast in his first month of life are coming back to me. I feel like he is rejecting me. I feel like I am not good enough. I feel like I am doing something wrong. I feel like I am torturing him by trying to breastfeed him. I know none of those things are true, but it feels that way when it is happening.

It really seems like the more effort I put forward the harder he resists. So I keep taking breaks from trying. I think now is another one of those times I am going to have to step back for a few days until I can regroup. At the same time it makes me crazy to do that. It makes me feel like a quitter even though I know I am just taking a little break for my sake and Kenneth's.

I just want to be able to breastfeed my son like all the other mothers I know do. It hurts so much knowing that I might not have that day again. And I just can't stop crying right now. Why? I just can't type anymore right now...

Help Dr. Jack Newman

It made me VERY sad when I saw the following on Dr. Jack Newman's website:

WE NEED YOUR HELP!

AS OF SEPTEMBER 30TH WE WILL NO LONGER BE RECEIVING ANY PRIVATE FUNDING.
(GOVERNMENT FUNDING CEASED IN 2005)

WE NEED IMMEDIATE DONATIONS TO KEEP OUR CLINIC OPEN.
WITHOUT FUNDING, THE NEWMAN BREASTFEEDING CLINIC & INSTITUTE AND THIS VALUABLE WEBSITE AND ALL OUR EDUCATIONAL RESOURCES WILL DISAPPEAR.
FOR A CHARITABLE TAX RECEIPT PLEASE SEND YOUR DONATION TO www.canadianbreastfeedingfoundation.org.
Please direct your donation to NEWMAN BREASTFEEDING CLINIC

Thank you for your support.

I hope you will take the time to help the man who has helped me and many others like me! Every person who I have told to contact him has had a fast reply. Please help him so that I can continue to refer other mothers in need to him. I don't want him to go away! If it were not for him I wouldn't have this blog. If it were not for him I wouldn't have a supply. If it were not for him I wouldn't be making the strides with my son that I have. Don't let it end with me. I want his clinic to stay around to help other mothers just like me. Sure I can pass on some of the information I have learned. It would just be so much better to get even more information from the expert. Without our help...he will not be able to help others.

I thank you for your consideration!

3 AM

Kenneth seems to do better in the VERY early morning hours! He woke up around 2:30 AM and wanted his bottle. After he was finished he was acting like he was still hungry. I was leaking at the time and in desperate need of being pumped or fed of off. So I gave him the breast. He of course bites away. So I put on the nipple shield and he goes to town.

My husband interrupts this process by deciding he finally wants to go to bed. So he comes up with both the chihuahuas and there is an ambush. Kenneth starts freaking out and that was the end of the nursing session. I figure he had to have gotten 2-3 ounces! This is the best progress we have made! I think he would have nursed longer with no distractions. I look at this as another step in the right direction! It is these wins that keep me going!

Please Don't Bite Me

Well, when I came home on Friday I was determined that Kenneth was going to breastfeed. So I gave him one 3.5 oz bottle of breast milk. Then we went into the bedroom and lay on the bed together. All my little stinker wanted to do was bite. Can we say OUCH! So I just kept squirting milk in his mouth. I would bing him to the breast nervously bring him to the breast every time he opened wide and hope I get him off before he bites. He got me good a few times. We did have some success! He WAS breastfeeding for a little while.

Now I just have to work on his bite. Why did he have to get them early??? If it were not for those sharp little suckers I wouldn't be so scared to try again! I would just hate for him to break the skin and put a boob on the old dusty trail!

It is all about baby steps. I still see Friday as a win...even with the bite marks!

Watch and Learn Son!

When I went to go pick up my son yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised by what I found. When I got there he was in an exersaucer flirting with one of the moms. Guess what mom was doing – BREASTFEEDING! I was so pleased. I then went over to Kenneth and told him – in a voice loud enough for them all to hear – “Pay attention Kenneth. That is what you should be doing!”

I loved the fact that I saw another mother breastfeeding. Now granted, her 8 month old son is still a touch smaller than my almost 6 month old son. She was standing and breastfeeding with such ease. I struggled with the water works! She has issues getting her son to take a bottle. She was also very encouraging. At the same time she said he is at least getting breast milk. That is what I tell myself every time I don’t want to pump.

I have a 3 day weekend. Let us hope this is a break through weekend! I would love it if I had him breastfeeding again by his 6 month birthday on Monday! So please keep us in your thoughts this weekend. Send me all of the breastfeeding vibes you can. Let this be the weekend he finally gets it!